Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Two Lords on Campus

I had been waiting for this moment for a while. Nearly three weeks in fact, since I sent the paperwork off. It had been a nervous wait too, because I felt that it was an important part of being able to prove to people that this was real, that it was official. But then the letter arrived yesterday, and the surreal yet momentus feeling hasn't gone away since. The DVLA. My new title recognised by a governmental office. It may as well have been a personal letter from the queen. I reached inside, and there was the card, held down with that unnecessarily sticky glue they use, and still bearing that picture of me as a 15 year old that I have been told I’m not allowed to update until the renewal of the card at the end of 2010:

Me aged 15. More attractive now, ten years on? The title probably helps.

I stood in the porter’s office where I collect my post savouring the moment, my mind swimming with ideas. Lord Christopher Ian Ward. Where could this take me? I instantly thought of an email I was due to send to the House of Lords. I could send it now. I had proof to back it up. The two porters stared at me from behind their desks.

‘What are you so happy about?’ The female porter asked.

‘Oh it’s nothing, I just...’

‘Do we have to bow to you, by the way?’


‘Do we have to bow to you? I saw your post was addressed to Lord Ward. The other Lord says we should bow to him. I don’t. The day I bow to a student is the day I die...’

‘Hang on. What was that?’ I was confused. What was she talking about?

‘The day I bow to a stu...’

‘No the bit about the other lord. What did you mean when you said that?’

‘The other lord that lives here on campus. Can’t believe there are two of you. We’re just so privileged here in Falmouth.’

‘There is a Lord living here on campus?!’

‘Well yeah, there’s you and then there’s the other one.’

There was another Lord on campus. I couldn’t quite believe it. A student too. I was already close to achieving half of my goal (finding some Lords I could relate to), and the other part was falling into place (using my title to improve my life) with the official documentation I had in my hand with my picture on it. This day was fast proving to be quite monumental.

‘Another Lord, no way! What’s his name?’

‘Oh I can’t tell you that. Part of the rules I’m afraid. No divulging of information related to our tenants.’

What? That was ridiculous. Classic British bureaucracy. But then I shouldn’t complain; it was after all the Lords that were partly responsible for passing the laws in this country.

‘You can’t even give me a hint?’ I asked, trying my best to be as suave as possible, hoping this woman might crack under a little bit of friendly persuasion.

‘Yeah sure,’ she said. ‘His first name is...Lord.’

Damn it. Another Lord on campus and I didn’t know his name. Still there were only 1200 of us living here, he couldn’t be all that hard to find, right? I thanked the porters and went on my merry way with two plans of action fresh in my mind. Send that email and get my invite to the House of Lords. Then track down my new friend, my fellow Lord, and find out, from someone who was no doubt more experienced then I was in this game, exactly what being a person of high stature entails...

How my letters will look from now on

Lord Christopher Ward

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About Me

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For those of you who are new to knowing me, I am Lord Christopher Ward. Second in line to the internet throne, third in line at the post office on a Wednesday morning. Currently a student studying Professional Writing in Falmouth, Cornwall, I envisage a world where I can surf, write, and use my title to get me free stuff. Just don't ask me how I got here; my memory is warped from time to time.